Friday, July 22, 2011

5 Reasons I Love New Orleans


There are many more than 5 reasons why New Orleans is Awesome, these are my favorites.

                The Doors

No, not the band. I'm talking about the wonderful, colorful doors that lineup along the old brick streets just about everywhere you look. The closer to the french quarter you get, the thicker the infestation becomes. 
I'm a firm believer that we don't have enough diarrhea-green and vomit-pink doors here in America. Of course, when put that way, it doesn't sound very appealing. But, trust me, it is. The way an ugly old Victorian house is charming with it's Jackson Pollock paint-job, New Orleans architecture and design will have you smiling even before you're drunk off that eight dollar hand-grenade. 

It's, by far, the best place to eat food that isn't in the form of a fried square of dough. (Put down your guns, I have  nothing against beignets as you will soon see.)

Port of Call might be a bar but it has the most amazing cheeseburgers you will ever eat. A loaded cheeseburger and a loaded baked potato will round-out your calorie count for about a month. So, make sure you skip a few meals or practice your quiet purging before venturing to Port of Call. Even if you're a skinny bitch and have to force a vomit afterwards, it's totally worth it.

The Wildlife

No, I don't mean the children. I mean the crawfish and 'gators! This picture here, well it's a mess a' boiled crawfish, or mudbugs... some calls 'em. 
Word to the wise, skip the corn and the boiled potatoes and go straight for the critters. And, if a handsome man offers you a crawfish and asks you how well you "suck heads", don't slap him. He doesn't mean what you think he means. Probably. Maybe.

The Scenery

That's right. A floating shack made of tinfoil. You can have one for yourself just as soon as you develop a phobic fear of alien abduction... or you decide to fish on the bayou.

This is referred to as a "camp". A somewhat dry place to get in out of the rain and off the river (or at least out of your boat) when one of the frequent, violent, and drenching storms threatens to ruin your fishing.Or "noodling". Or gator trapin'. This is the luxury model, mind you. It's got a semi-functional grill duct-taped to the shoddy wooden walk out back.

Here's where those fried squares of dough covered in powdered sugar come into play. Beignets. These little scraps of deliciousness must be made from Satan's tears. They're so bad for you but taste so good, you should add the consumption of them to your bucket list right this minute.

And for all that touristy crap you just can't live without? Poorly made voodoo dolls, hemp necklaces as thick as your wrist, unwearable hats of all shapes... and even some specialty hot sauces. The French Market is the place to be.

All joking aside, I love, love, love Louisiana. My best friend and "second family" all live there. I've lived and worked there. Even huddling in my apartment through Hurricane Katrina couldn't make me think poorly of New Orleans. If you've never been, get on down there. It's not all bar-gravy stink and Bourbon Street. And no, you won't have to "float on a door" to get to the French Quarter. Even if you did, it'd be a pretty painted door so stop your bitchin' and give New Orleans a try!