Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Things I Wish I Could Get Away With

Beyond murder and theft, there are quite a few things I wish I could get away with. *You know you'd totally kill that asshole who steals your lunch outa the fridge at work every Wednesday and then go rob a bank so you didn't have to work that shitty job anymore if you could get away with it.*

First, I would love to be able to wear black. Everyone "cool" wears black. Black tops, black dresses, cute little black chino shorts.

I honestly haven't worn anything black in YEARS. Why? Because I have a cat. And a dog. For some reason, even though my dog has mostly black hair, he apparently made a deal with the devil to only shed hair from his small white spots ... and shed in obscenely massive and never-ending quantities.

How do goth and emo people deal with pet hair and all those black clothes? I can't imagine that none of the chubby, sad, spinster goth ladies own a cat. I would think they'd all own a large number of cats that they force to sit around the candlelight at night and listen to poorly written poetry. How do they keep the cat hair off those xxl black velvet corsets? Maybe they just don't care and walk around with a fine pelt of calico on them at all times.

Next, I would love to be able to have sweet multi-colored hair. I manage to rock a few pink stripes now and then but I wish I could have super bold punkish hair and not look like I was patiently waiting for Halloween. These ladies know how it's done.

Finally, I'd like to get away with having crazy-awesome-everywhere-tattoos without looking like the trashy tramp left behind by a motorcycle gang. I have quite a few tattoos already but I'm talking like full-sleeves and breastplate tattoos. Some women can get away with this look. Kat Von D can pull this off and make it sexy.

Sadly, I have two children and I somehow think that excludes me from Gothic Corsets, Punk Hair and Full Body Tattoos. *sigh*