Where to Draw the Were-Animal Line

Weredolphin by Drago-flame, Deviant Art

Paranormal Romance and Fantasy Fiction readers love their were-animals. Were-wolfs, were-panthers, were-bears and even, per Laurell K Hamilton, were-rats. My question is, where do you draw the line?

For me, I can't really become involved with a character who is a were-sea-creature. I'm not sure exactly why. Outside of fiction, I love scuba diving and making contact with sea turtles and dolphins. However, the minute a character in a novel I'm reading says something like "By the way, I'm a were-anemone"... I'm done.


Where's your were-line? Do you dig were-bunnies but hate were-bears? Would you totally shag a were-wolf but give a were-snake your for-losers-only fake phone number?

Steampunk... Yay or Nay?

I'll admit I'm a fan of Steampunk. I know. I know. It condemns me to the bowels of Hell with all the other terminally geeky losers who enjoy neo-victorian fantasy, gears-to-nowhere and imaginary steam powered vehicles.

Now, let us discuss Good Steampunk VS Bad Steampunk.







A functional super-awesome steampunk-modded computer by the Steampunk Workshop = GOOD












Overly complicated and utterly-useless only-for-show Steampunk Monacle? BAD















Orgasm-worthy Steampunked laptop by Datamancer... GOOD















Steampunk Cake = Good











Steampunk R2-D2 = Awesome













Pasting a random collection of watch parts and non-working gears/copper/brass piping to any and everything? Bad

Keeper Shelf for Writing How-to's

Some of the writer-self-help books are fluff, some are wonderfully helpful. Below are a few I keep on my shelf and refer to regularly.


The Romance Writers' Phrase Book by Jean Salter Kent and Candace Shelton

This book was printed in 1984 but remains a valuable resource for those times of writer's-block or when I just can't figure out how I want to say something.

There are over 3,000 descriptive phrases in The Romance Writer's Phrase Book divided into easily searched categories for subjects like "physical characteristics", "movement", "emotions" and even "sex". An unparalleled

resource.

How Not to Write a Novel, 200 Classic Mistakes and How to Avoid Them by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman

This book is amazing. I can't say enough about how helpful it is as well as entertaining. When I was writing my first novel I found that I unknowingly made some crucial errors after reading How Not to Write a Novel.

"Any scene in which a character is shown waking up in bed or getting into bed is deeply suspect, unless there is someone new in bed with her."

Thank you, How Not to Write a Novel, for being humorous and informative!




Thanks, But This Isn't For Us by Jessica Page Morrell describes "deal breakers" for agents and editors across all genres of fiction.

I found the section on deal-breaker openings to be especially helpful. Even if it is well written, editors and agents apparently dislike a character who is in front of a mirror in the opening scene... or anywhere else in the story. I'm so happy I read this particular passage while writing my first book! And now, I know better.

Thanks, But This Isn't For Us gives examples of what-not-to-do and also offers alternate options so you're not left feeling like they've told you "You suck. Now, good luck."






What books do you keep within reach while working?

I'm Better on Paper

Have you ever heard the expression "better on paper" in reference to an author?  I have recently come to understand (and empathize) with my fellow socially inept writers who've been dubbed with the black-mark of "better on paper".

I would like to present you with the reasons I... am better on paper.

1. I tend to repetitively stumble over simple words when speaking. *Currently trying to say "repetitively" aloud. Not going so well.*
2. My mouth does this thing. It's unsettling for me and worse for the person(s) with whom I'm speaking. It gathers saliva. I don't know why it does this. I've tried reasoning with it, telling it to swallow normally but I guess my mouth has stage fright and forgets how to function. So this saliva builds up and I end up talking over it, around it, until it becomes noticeable and I have to make a conscious effort to swallow previously mentioned spit. Of course by this time the oddity has already been noted by the other person.
3. My spoken words are never as eloquent as my written words. In thirty seconds I can write something that sounds educated and witty. However, given thirty minutes to prepare for an actual meeting and I end up with something like, "So... yeah. What's goin' on? Nothin'? Yeah... me too. Hot outside."

 I was once the Vice President of my Sorority in college. Did I ever mention that? No? Well, it happened. I must have been at least marginally charismatic to reach such high esteem. That entire half-decade of my life puzzles me now. Maybe the gallons of liquor and pounds of drugs are to blame for that small foray into my brief time as better-in-person.

Alas, I have been back to the better-on-paper persona for quite some time now and am looking at many many more years of the same. Do you know anyone who shares this affliction? Maybe there should be a support group.

Of Elves and Condoms...

Words Written Today: 2,000 (*cheers loudly*)

Currently Reading: Nowhere Near Respectable by Mary Jo Putney

Below is a glimpse of two of the main characters of Surprisingly Supernatural, Ellis and Emile. Emile is trying to be "helpful" but Ellis wants nothing to do with it.

     Ellis took an uncharacteristically deep pull on his beer then studied the bottle for a moment. “It looks and sounds a bit too feminine but you are correct. It tastes rather pleasant.”

     They sat in silence until Emile finally heaved a great sigh and asked, “So you want this human female?”

Startled, Ellis straightened in his chair with a look of terror shining in his eyes. “Of course not! Why would you say such a thing?”

     Emile rolled his eyes. “Because you are as clumsy as a newborn foal out for his first run when you’re around her, for one.”

     “I most certainly am not!”

     “Yes you are.”

     “I am not.”

     “Are.”

     “Not!”

     Exasperated, Emile blew out a slow breath. “Ellis, we have not argued like this since reaching maturity some hundreds of years past. You are not yourself. It seems to me you’ve been trying to keep this female to yourself. Not bringing her forth to the elders as you well know you should. For Freya’s sake! You branded her with your magic practically the moment you first set eyes on her! I grant you she is a curious case for a human but perhaps you are merely in need of some companionship. I haven’t seen you with a woman in years.”

     Emile tilted his head, his eyes becoming unfocused as though he were looking into the past. “In fact, I can’t remember you dating a woman or even having a night with one in decades. That is not good, my friend. We need to clear this up right away. You’ll feel much better.”

     He headed toward Ellis’s scrying mirror where it hung on the wall just inside the front door. The scrying mirror is a sort of metaphysical telephone. Fortunately there are no minutes to worry over and no bill for it’s usage for it runs on one’s own magic.  Being that the mirror utilizes both audio and visual, it’s best kept in a neutral place within one’s home. When a “call” is placed, the mirror belonging to the person being called upon will activate and show the caller everything in front of the mirror at the time. You can see why having it in the bathroom or bedroom might be ill advised.

     Of course Emile will never forget the time his mother had called upon him while he was “entertaining” a lover in the foyer. They had barely made it through the door before disrobing and traipsing all the way back to the bedroom had been out of the question. In his passion he had forgotten to cover the mirror and his mother had gotten an eye-full. Then Emile had gotten an earful of outraged maternal shouting that had prematurely ended his night.

     “What are you doing?” Ellis asked, following Emile closely with his eyes.

The "S" Word

The "S" Word is the one word that will make me cringe every time I see it in a novel. I'm talking, of course, about "squatting".

Especially in a Romance.

"He squatted next to her, stroking her tenderly." No. Just... (shudders) no.

"She squatted, prepared to drop a backdoor-growler downwind of the campsite." Okay... maybe.

Giving birth and taking a dump are the only acceptable situations in which a character should "squat".

There is no excuse great enough to justify having your heroine "squat to slip her lover's pants down past his hips". I don't even want to read about her "squatting down to tie her shoes". Let us just say that she "knelt" and leave it at that.

"Squat" is my pet-peeve as a reader. Are there any words that bring bile to your mouth?

#RomanceKills, Romance Novel Addiction

Lauren Dane, Inside Out

The Romance Novel Author and Reader world has been buzzing with the news of a book about Romance Novel Addiction entitled Finding the Hero in Your Husband by Dr. Juli Slattery. An article on the controversy can be found here.

At first glance, the title of the book sounds pretty good. Finding the Hero in Your Husband. I'm thinking, "Okay, that sounds like something every wife should try to do." But ultimately the book blames marriage problems on "Romance Novel Addiction" and advises everyone to stop reading them immediately.

My first thought was that this whole idea of romance novel addiction is total BS. But honestly, people can become addicted to ANYTHING. It's not that particular thing's fault for existing.

I once knew a girl who was completely addicted to cleaning her ears with Q-Tips. Took them with her everywhere she went. I found her in the parking lot outside of my house once with a Q-Tip in her ear and a handful of them spread across the hood of her car.

Should we ban Q-Tips for everyone? Advise that no one use them lest they become addicted? Obviously, no.

Here's my advice. If your children go hungry and your home is so filthy it could be found a health risk all because you have your nose stuck in an ultra-erotic romance novel for 20 hrs a day, go find some help.

The same applies if you have five months of laundry piled in a mountain next to the washer and dishes overflowing your sink into the bathtub because you're posting on Facebook and Twitter fifty times a day. I don't give a shit what you ate for breakfast. Stop posting updates and go clean something. Get some help.

If you read romance novels, even if you read three a week, and you still find time to sleep, eat, and make your children smile, you are doing just fine.

As long as you are still a clean, productive, non-violent member of society, go ahead on with that Q-Tip fetish, that annoying Facebook habit, hell, let's go crazy and say pick-up a couple lotto tickets and bite your fingernails too.


In closing, Romance Novels DON'T kill. Ignorance does.